I don't want to get into the ooey gooey details of it all but rather tell you how I got to this chapter in my life and how I plan on getting to the next one
Recently, I've noticed, my life isn't quite going in the direction i'd hoped. I am now out of college and more terrified than ever before about my future and more than usual for the scaredy cat that I am.
The last few years my life hasn't been easy sailing for me, that's all I'll say about it for now. Unfortunately,I am not now, nor have I ever been, brilliant with stress. I panic, stress eat, cry a lot and eat some more. Let's focus on the eating for now though; I am someone who eats when i'm stressed AND bored and in the last few years i've either been caught up in stressing about something internally or ..bored. So not exactly a good sign for my confidence or waist line... which you'd know if you'd seen my magical expanding act over the last few years.
I've always had confidence issues growing up and I've always been shy yet it never really seemed to properly 'affect me' though before moving back to the UK to Wales in 2006. It may have been that I'd spent lots of my childhood in foreign land but somehow I just didn't seem to fit right in Wales like I had in Africa and ,Even in Pakistan for my short time living there.
In africa there was no defined line between us kids. There were no Emo's and Chavs and every other sterotype 'defining' people and their friends. The line separating people was, at best, extremely fuzzy along the edges. I think it came as a shock to my system to come back to a country where everyone I met wanted to define me by placing me in a box.. and If they couldn't find the box to squeeze me into then they weren't quite sure what to make of me. Which, Spoiler, is what happened. Turns out i'm not so easy to fit into a box (*make funny joke about my weight here*)
To cut a very long story short since moving to Wales I've had a hard time fitting in, maintaining long term friendships and feeling like I belong. I have, on the other hand, not had difficulty losing all shreds of confidence in myself and putting on an obscene amount of weight.
I am now at a breaking point though. Now, I want to take my life back!
If you're reading this you most likely already know that I want to be a photographer. More than want.. I NEED to be a photographer. It's my goal. It's my ambition. It's my life. Not to sound overly-enthusiastic.
But, let's get to the point. I am now 19 years old with social anxiety disorder. For the people who have no idea what that is it basically as wikipedia states ( and almost a dictionary definition of myself) ;
'Social anxiety is a discomfort or a fear when a person is in social interactions that involve a concern about being judged or evaluated by others. It is typically characterized by an intense fear of what others are thinking about them (specifically fear of embarrassment, criticism, or rejection), which results in the individual feeling insecure, not good enough for other people, and/or the assumption that peers will automatically reject them. As a result, they choose to isolate themselves from society to avoid such situations. They may also feel uncomfortable meeting people they do not know, and act distant when they are with large groups of people.
The difference between social anxiety and normal apprehension of social situations is that social anxiety involves an intense feeling of fear in social situations and especially situations that are unfamiliar or in which one will be watched or evaluated by others so great that one may be so worried that he or she feels anxious just thinking about them and will go to great lengths to avoid them.'
It has really only developed in the last couple of years but it's now become something holding me back, keeping me from my dream ( as well as friendships and normal social situations).
But, don't get me wrong, I completely know that this social anxiety is a mental affliction and something I can get over, if my pathetic will power allows it, which brings me to my point;
Tumblr sourced- NOT my own image!
At the end of January I decided, on a whim, to start writing down some of the things I'd love to do in my life, mostly travel things mixed with some personal goals. A 'bucket list' of such i suppose (Although I hate that term because, well how unappealing a word is 'bucket'?! It doesn't sound at all dreamy like such a list should). Hours later and a list of almost two hundred and I had this crazy idea that I would go for it and get some of these things done! (Oh I do love my evening, spur of the moment, life altering ideas.) I would kick-start myself out of the road i'm going down and back into life where i'm not afraid to pursue photography because of fear of the models and make-up artists and any other stranger that may cross my path and I'm not afraid of everyone hating my work and I'm not afraid of being automatically rejected and i''m definitely NOT afraid of going to my boyfriends gigs because of the crowds of strangers and fear of judgement and rejection by everyone around me and I'm not afraid of..blah blah blah :/
All it took was that inkling of a thought and now I'm hooked on it. It has become my goal, my future, and everything this year that I do will be leading up to the trip next year. I need something to THWAP! me out of the road i'm heading down, To shock my system and push me to do things I never thought possible with my anxiety.
But now it's becoming a plan, not just a dream. I am planning a round-the-world trip for next year to drag myself and my partner out of our routine and into new and terrifying territories of travel alone as adults. I want to start a kickstarter fund and turn the entire trip into a huge photographic project. the exact details I'm not completely sure of yet because, well I've pretty much told you that this was a crazy spur of the moment decision gone mad, but it will be something exciting and terrifying and I have lots of preparation to do to get me mentally prepared.
But before running away into the big ol' world I've got quite a bit to do!
And starting March 1st ... today :P ( or i suppose it started the beginning of February but NOT for this blog it didn't :P) I will be bringing you all along with me on my journey of getting fit and healthy as a vegetarian, planning my trip,as well as my usual fashion and photography posts and more.
There will be some huge changes coming to the blog soon; getting rid of/changing certain tabs and pages to accommodate diet and fitness and travel within as well as a whole new name and look and hopefully, by April next year I will be stepping out into the world with a crowd of followers to tell my travel experiences to and share my photo's with.
Over the next few weeks there will be a lot more rough guides of plans till I come up with the perfect Kickstarter project but then it's down to you, the readers, and the rest of the world to help me make my dream to and bring my wanderlust journey to you with my travelling journey and tips and photography along the way. Perhaps even self- publish ; ' The wanderlust of a socially akward teen. Braving new countries, food, experiences and people, camera in tow.' Jumping head-first into the big-wide-world as a nervous youth.